DES MOINES, IA — Jessica Djukanovic, a conservative wrestling coach, mother of four, and loyal voter for the “Traditional Values and Strict Legislation Party,” is reportedly “shocked and appalled” to discover that the very laws she helped implement are currently treating her life as a secondary concern to a non-viable fetus.
For years, Djukanovic proudly stood with the Leopard Party, cheering on their platform of “protecting the unborn” and “getting the government out of our lives” (while simultaneously putting the government into everyone’s doctors’ offices). However, the celebratory mood shifted last month when a Leopard walked into her own living room and began sizing up her forehead.
The ‘Wait and See’ Strategy for Sepsis
The trouble began when Jessica was diagnosed with Trisomy 18—a chromosomal abnormality that meant her baby had zero chance of survival. In a pre-Leopard world, this would be a tragic, private medical decision. But in the world Jessica voted for, it’s a legal minefield.
Despite her body literally breaking down—chest pains, extreme swelling, and the early stages of sepsis—Jessica was met with a shrug from the medical community. Doctors, who were apparently more terrified of the prison sentences Jessica’s favorite politicians promised than they were of her actually dying, suggested she “ask Google” for help.
“I had a dying fetus poisoning me from the inside out,” Jessica shared in a viral video, looking visibly confused that her “special circumstances” didn’t come with a VIP pass to healthcare. “I wasn’t allowed to choose me? Where’s the pro-life in that?”
Political analysts have pointed out that “choosing the mother” is generally considered “not what you voted for” when you support a party that explicitly prioritizes fetal cardiac activity over maternal organ failure.
IOWA — “I’m a very pissed off conservative Christian woman. I almost died because I was denied medical care after being diagnosed with a fatal fetus… Cornered by the system… pro life? Choose me. Choose the mother.”
— The Tennessee Holler (@TheTNHoller) December 13, 2025
It had to happen to her to get this? #ForcedBirthNation pic.twitter.com/EkhAhA6hW4
Husband Surprised that Politicians Actually Do What They Say
Her husband, Miljan—a deeply religious man and fellow Leopard enthusiast—echoed the sentiment of betrayal. “We were cornered by the government,” he said, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his ballot was the corner’s architect.
He expressed frustration that they “didn’t even get to grieve” because they were too busy fighting the legal system they helped build. Critics on the internet were quick to offer their “thoughts and prayers,” though many noted that the couple’s “grief” seems to stem less from the law itself and more from the fact that it wasn’t exclusively targeting “those other people.”
A Reluctant Epiphany
The couple eventually found care at the University of Iowa after a two-week odyssey of near-death experiences. Having narrowly avoided becoming a martyr for her own cause, Jessica is now on a crusade to tell her story.
She insists this isn’t about “politics” but about “humanity,” a distinction often made by Leopard Party voters the moment the first tooth breaks their skin.
“This is not what we voted for,” she continues to insist, despite the law being printed in large, clear font on the campaign flyers she likely received in the mail.
As of press time, the Iowa Leopard Party remains committed to its platform of face-eating, though they have expressed mild concern that one of their most loyal supporters found the experience “unpleasant.”
You got what you voted for! YOU MORONS!!! She should have died!!!