Just when you thought Saturday mornings were for artisanal lattes and ignoring your mounting laundry, our Commander-in-Chief decided to treat the world to a little light neo-imperialism.
Donald Trump stood amidst the gold leaf of Mar-a-Lago to announce that the United States is essentially adopting Venezuela.
And by “adopting,” I mean taking full control of a sovereign nation after a pre-dawn military raid.
According to a report by the Associated Press, American forces captured President Nicholas Maduro early Saturday morning.
It turns out the “America First” slogan has a tiny footnote that reads “Unless we want your oil and your president in a New York courtroom.”
The “Judicious” Hostile Takeover
Trump was very clear about his plans for the South American nation during his Florida press conference.
“We’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper and judicious transition,” Trump said.
He even added the verbal equivalent of a bold font for emphasis, stating, “and it has to be judicious.”
Because nothing says “judicious” quite like a large-scale strike on a foreign capital to snatch a head of state.
The AP reports that Maduro is currently being Uber-ed via the USS Iwo Jima to New York to face drug trafficking charges.
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Sanctions
To make sure we all knew he was the main character of this action movie, Trump shared a photo of Maduro on the ship.
It is the ultimate “gotcha” post for the MAGA crowd, who apparently think international law is just a suggestion.
The strike on Caracas was described as a “large-scale strike” by the President himself earlier that morning.
While the official line is that no deaths have been reported, the reality might be a bit more grim.
According to an offhanded remark made by Trump, there is a distinct possibility that Venezuelans were killed during the operation.
But hey, why let a few casualties ruin the “judicious” vibe of a Saturday morning regime change?
We Are The Captain Now
The level of audacity required to say “We are going to run the country” out loud is truly a MAGA-exclusive trait.
Trump explained his reasoning with his usual circular logic that makes a Tilt-A-Whirl look stable.
“So we don’t want to be involved with having somebody else get in and we have the same situation that we had for the last long period of years,” he told the press.
God forbid someone else “gets in” to a country we just invaded.
We wouldn’t want any competition in the “running countries we don’t own” department.
Apparently, the plan is to stay until we decide it is safe for them to have their own keys back.
I’m sure the “transition” will be just as smooth and “judicious” as a Florida recount.
